Santa F&%k's The Hash
Hash Trash: Sat December 10th 2005
Elves lie. Just accept it. They always have, they always will. The sooner that hashers understand this, the better future Santa Hashes will be. In fact, they ENJOY lying. Its part of who they are.
Thursday night's 8" snowfall was still lingering as 35 intrepid wankers gathered in Reading's Penn's Common. Some of the out of towner's did not know where the firefighter's memorial was which was perfectly OK as some of the Reading hashers didn't know either. A shameful lack of history appreciation especially in light of the number of times that hashes have started in this park. But then again, it could have been caused by the cold and the lack of beer in the park.
Before long the hares had everyone gathered around. NFB sold embroidered SFTH/RH3 hats which actually looked like they were professionally designed and produced. The marks were explained - all one of them. The flour would be red or green and thats all he said - no reference to X or BC or F and no answer to the agitated pack that shouted out questions.
The pack was off AND WE WERE NOT GOING TOWARDS MT PENN. Yes folks, you read it right - NFB was one of the hares and we were not immediately climbing the mountain. Something strange was up. FART even carried a sled along in anticipation of the mountain climb.
The trail took us through downtown Reading, past some of our finest citizens, and past 3 or 4 watering holes that beckoned us with the aromas of vittles and libation.
Several hashers were heard to say that this was the first time they had actually been in downtown Reading. One or two noted that this was because they were always too afraid. My chest swelled with pride knowing that my home hash was in Pennsylvania's Most Dangerous City.
The long straight trail lasted about a mile before ending at a huge red X. The FRBs deployed and scoured the land to no avail. The trail had stopped. This is where the speculation began. Some offered up Kaley's Korner or Borelli's as places we were supposed to just migrate to. Some professed other wild ideas before EVERYDAY ASSHOLE noted that there were TWO colors of flour on the ground - that one probably lead us DOWN and one would lead us BACK to the ONON. This seemingly preposterous idea became more and more feasible as the reports trickled in that the trail simply was no longer to be found.
About 1/4 of the pack ended up in the Peanut Bar which seemed a logical place to stop and ponder things. VAGINA WHINER was soon in cellular contact with late-comer JUSTSUZETTE who said that they had stopped at the Forest Inn and found the hares.
Sure enough, a HHH marked the sidewalk and the pack rushed in. The Hell of past Santa trails was erased by the utter ease of today's 1 mile event. JAFO's wrist GPS didn't even have time to warm up before we were in.
The Forest Inn is a great old dive bar with a fairly spacious backroom. Two solid wooden doors were enough to contain our rambunction and keep the curious citizenry at bay.
The traditional Santa Hash Christmas meal was served: Coney Island chili dogs, burgers, junk food and beer.
A.N.G.E.L. sported a brand new Sportkilt in 'Irisher' tartan and was inducted into the Society of Kilted Hashers.
Several hashers from the Minneapolis H3 were in attendance although I never got the story about how they ended up in Reading. I think there were a few wankers from Lehigh Valley and of course some of our friends from Harrisburg-Hershey. GRIZZ looked radiant in the glow of newlywededness and LOCKJAW looked as stoic as ever. Both sported flashing reindeer noses. DARTH returned to his alma mater.
DECOY appeared on a chair and commanded that a circle be organized. Things actually shaped up and it wasn't too bad of a circle for us being in a rectangular room. The hares: GUKE, DOGBREATH & NFB were chastised for their stupidity. A toast was raised to GIRLY and LVH3's GRABBAG who are deployed to Iraq. Other down downs included the usual plus Santa hat wearers and some others which I no longer remember.
The "12 Days Of Hashmas" song sheets were handed out and the crowd belted out the lyrics. With the words on a sheet and drawings of each gift on the scroll - it didn't sound too bad.
TIN LIZZY brought a virgin who proceeded to get hammered and quite happy and horny. Soon after she stumbled backwards through the swinging doors and into the main bar, she found her way to the back of the room and was grinding on LOCKJAW's lap. The funniest thing was that he appeared to be asleep through the whole thing!
Jingling bells were heard and Santa burst forth from the backroom. He was greeted with applause and catcalls for his sexy flame-striped Converse sneakers. Everyone knew what this meant as the elves rushed into the crowd and started abducting people to sit on Santa's laps. The elves blood alcohol levels had obviously begun to rise as evidenced by their almost toppling to the floor on several occasions while having wankers in a firemens carry and in the rough manner that they heaved hashers onto Santa. Plus, they lost track of who had been up and actually attempted to retrieve hashers who had seen Santa only moments before.
Santa's hormones were raging as he patted, groped and fondled almost every person who sat on his lap. Some giggled with glee while others squirmed for safety.
The gift exchange was a success and produced haberdashery old and new, drinking vessels, love dolls, pig-related items and booze.
Surprisingly, there were no sex toys although one harriet was quite happy to get what she thought was a light-up dildo only to find it was one of those cool flashlights that never needs batteries. I could tell she was contemplating its size and shape even after learning what it was. Jagermeister was the drink of the day as over 8 packages contained bottles that were soon passed around the room.
Someone got a blow up man doll and JUSTY and LUNACHIC began inflating him. The process was slow and time consuming until JSU got the idea to use the bigger hose to blow him up. This may not have added much air but it sure made for good photos!
While these things were going on a few hashers were gathering in a dark corner - discussing names for JUST SUZETTE. It seems that she was quite sad that she didn't get a sex toy so someone had run down to the nearby sex shop and picked one up for her. Her enthusiasm for the hash and her eagerness for a name combined perfectly with the vibrators name - eager beaver. Soooo, she was called forth and ceremoniously awarded the name EAGER BEAVER - 2 years, 361 days since the last RH3 dildo-related naming. In 2002 LINDA LOVELACE was born when she swallowed the vast majority of a long two headed schlong.
Hashers slowly started trickling out - kids to pick up, bloodstreams that couldnt hold anymore alcohol, etc. Some wankers got ready to go to the hockey game. Another Santa Hash was winding down. As always, it was an interesting hash with enough (as FART says) confustulation to make it one that won't soon be forgotten --OE
