2nd Annual Reading-Lehigh Valley Interhash
Saturday 3June2006
“TEQUILA” (Big Rig)
With overcast skies, on a damp late spring Saturday, over fifty gregarious hashers converged upon the beautiful Pennsylvania Dutch community that houses Kutztown University. Comprised equally of RH3, H5 and LVH3, with an added sprinkling of bodacious bimbos from BFM, Bubbles from Summit and a lovely Californian, the crew assembled for the Second Annual Reading-Lehigh Valley Interhash at the Kutztown Armory nestled behind the campus, adjacent to the fairgrounds. Hares OE and Angel of Reading and Quick-N-Little and Ateapuss Complex of LVH3 offered welcoming remarks and began chalk talk at half past two. Virgins, including an unsuspecting wayward runner who happened upon our debauchery, were christened and live hares QNL and Ateapuss were off through the campus.
Swirling around Rohrbach Library, past the Student Union, our hares lead us through a jugglers’ convention across Main Street and around the Old Main dormitory, causing an amusing nuisance to parents who were picking up their bleary eyed college students. The pack continued chasing chalk through the athletic fields, thoroughly confusing some soccer spectators who asked, “What kind of race is this?” and in front of the gymnasium where Birthday Suit, Beaver Fever and Bubbles stopped for a pee break. Back on trail we, the three DFLs, caught sight of OE auto haring. Bubbles earnestly flashed hoping to prey upon the bimbo loving compassion of Reading’s GM, but to no avail, we were stuck on foot and stumbled into the first check, nestled in some private shiggy, a few minutes later.
After hanging out with the pack for a while, the hares were off again. Before leaving they had offered a sober warning, “Stay on trail for the second leg.” Not trusting them for a minute, the pack headed off in several different directions, hoping to find more accommodating exits from the shiggy. The group converged, stopped traffic crossing a street, and headed onward in their lust for libation. Over a river and through the woods, the pack continued on – cursing, moaning, in water up to their waist– until they were slowed by muddy swamp terrain. After a seemingly endless bout with shiggarama-a-plenty the pack emerged by an old folk’s home and was guided down to a train track and around a hill which hid the second beer check. Assisting each other down the slippery slope to get beer, the pack took a rest on the train tracks conversing as their hares continued on to lay their third and final leg.
We beat the ground running through a lumber yard where Momma’s Little Butt Pirate, Big Rig, Triple Fister, Jello Slut, Mellon Balls, Everyday Assh*le and Ribbed For Her Pleasure lived out their fantasy of becoming heavy equipment operators before being thrown back into the shiggy. Bubbles and Just Marley (Angel’s tenacious but as yet unnamed canine hashing companion) took advantage of our last river crossing by swimming a spell as the rest of the crew trudged through and continued forward. Back in civilization, the trail again crossed Main Street and led the pack through the Kutztown fairgrounds. Birthday Suit and Just Ron took delight in playing with PA Dutch mannequins nestled in one of the buildings and were joined by Angel, Bubbles, Chappy, and Co Go looking for a way to exit the grounds. Climbing over or going down under, these determined femme-fatals clawed their way out and shortly joined other hashers who were arriving at the final check.
Joined by Soldier Boy, M’orally Challenged and Vagina Whiner, the merry troop began their circle with booze a flowing, shirts a ripping, and songs a singing. Accusations flew with down-downs for sh*tty trail, FRBs, auto hashing, and nerd names on trail. Tour lead the group in a rousing rendition of Swing Low Sweet Chariot and not soon after our cheerful bunch was ready for the on-after. Quite dirty and extremely stinky, many of the crew took this opportunity to change, some even getting so lucky as to being invited into the Armory for a shower.
Much prettier, the hash reconvened at the Kutztown Tavern where they were greeted with their own private banquet room and a delectable delight of sandwiches and home brewed beers, both of which were devoured in earnest. Suddenly, a waitress appeared presenting OE with a package that had arrived from Roswell, N.M. It was the lost RH3 banner! Being reunited with their banner added to the delight of the RH3 kennel but an increased amount of security was noted as Reading hoped to not lose its beloved banner again. Just a side note – I’ve noticed that every time H5 graces us with their presence, a banner either goes missing or shows up. Coincidence? In any case, after gorging ourselves to the fullest, we took leave of the Tavern and headed down into the bowels of the building for the après at Shorty’s.
The LVH3 kennel kicked off the karaoke singing a harmonious version of “Allentown.” Nearly every hasher took their turn crooning to the crowd. The Gaylords, with special guest Tour, sang a gender bender version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, Chapped Lips got out her angst in a lusty performance of “I Will Survive” and both Rash and Oral O delighted us with their considerable singing talent. Teabag celebrated his hash birthday (who could forget his virgin appearance?) changing the words to a song and exclaiming, “Where else do you get praised for this kind of behavior?” and F*ck Nana changed the chorus of his selection from simply “Nana nana nanananana” to “F*ck Nana nana nana.” However, the Coup D’etat was Big Rig’s rendition of “Tequila” which either had all the hashers up dancing Pee-Wee style or down on the floor in stitches. A fantastic r*n, a fantastic night and a fantastic time had by all!
On-on!
Your aproned crusader,
Beaver Fever